


Hogs And Kisses

by rowanthestrange_yugihell



Series: Pre-13 Fic: Post-Reveal, Pre-Series [2]
Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Double Feature, Fan Characterisation, Gen, Happy Thirteen Day, Post-Reveal Pre-Series, Pre 13 Fic, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-12-27 15:53:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12084300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rowanthestrange_yugihell/pseuds/rowanthestrange_yugihell
Summary: No-one mention the elephant in the room.By which I mean, the pig in the corner of the TARDIS.(can be read as standalone)





	Hogs And Kisses

* * *

  


"What the hell is that?"

"Hmm? Oh, that's Boswell, the pig."

The Doctor says this in the sort of way a normal person would say, 'That's my cat' or 'That's an interestingly shaped lamp I picked up in Broadmead', not in the way that someone should introduce their 600lb plus farm animal, that he had previously been mistaking for a corner couch.

"Is it some sort of...alien pig?"

"Nope, Earth pig."

"Pretty big."

"Pigs _are_ pretty big, you're thinking of piglets." The Doctor's facetious, rude, and worst of all probably right. Just about sums her up really.

She continues to press buttons on the console. Lee assumes she's giving the ship its space-travel instructions or something, until a head of cauliflower falls out of a hidden compartment. The Doctor catches it with the tip of her foot and kicks it up into her hands.

"Huh, that's some old muscle memory." She mutters to herself, and then proceeds to feed the cauliflower to the still reclining and apparently quite lazy pig. While it snuffles and crunches, she fondles its ears.

"There you go Eliza. Is that good? The TARDIS grew it special." The unbridled affection in her eyes is sweet, Lee thinks, but slightly odd considering he's never seen her show it for anything or anyone else.

When the pig finishes, she rubs its side and blows a loud raspberry on its neck, causing it to squeak happily.

"So, what do I have to do to get a piece of that?" Lee mocks, making a hair-ruffling gesture with one hand. The Doctor apparently ignores him.

"Come on Robin, up you get, _time to fly_." She whispers the last part to it like a spell, and the pig clambers to its feet. She chivvies it out and into the room opposite.

"Where's it going?"

"Gravitationally gyroscopic room so there's no bumping about." The Doctor says, back to business. Remembering the tiny jaunt in time they took before, Lee blinks at this.

"Wha-? Then why haven't you done that for this room?"

"Less fun."

"Less chance of concussion, you mean."

"Yeah, less fun, I just said."

Good god, he's going to die.

She returns to the console, looks at him, leans over, and for a terrifying second he thinks she's going to kiss him. 

What she actually does is blow a raspberry on his neck. He blames his lack of testosterone for the shrillness of the noise that comes out of his mouth.

The Doctor starts inputting co-ordinates as if nothing happened, while his head melts into his shoulders. 

Yep, she's weird. He's going to space with her. He's going to die. 

"Is there just the one?" Lee says, voice still slightly too high-pitched, trying to regain his composure.

"Harriet doesn't play nicely with others." The Doctor replies. Well _that's_ comforting.

"W-Well," Lee stammers, "At least if we get stuck in space, we're not going to starve."

The Doctor turns to face him so quickly, he's surprised he didn't hear something crack, from the emotional whiplash if not the physical. The glare in her eyes says to some primal part of his brain that she is about to bite him, and he stumbles back.

" _I_ will not starve. _I_ am the alien. _You_ are the human. I thought you liked those kinds of movies?" Her tone is cold. It's playacting, he knows it is, she does this, but there's something about those eyes, combined with her smile with way too many teeth...

Some of that must show on his face, because she stage-whispers to him, "Your Companion Doctor will never threaten to eat you. If your Companion Doctor does threaten to eat you, we urge you to disregard what it says."

Lee nods. The Doctor's mixed knowledge of pop culture runs to Portal apparently.

"So where am I on the hierarchy here?" He says, playing the game. "Under the pig?"

"It goes the TARDIS, then Luigi, then you."

"I thought it was called Harriet? Or Robin? Eliza? Boswell?"

"The pig has many names." The Doctor says cryptically.

"Oh," _Oh_. Therapy pig. 

"And," Lee continues cautiously, "Where are you on the list?"

"Depends on my self-esteem that day." She's funny like that. Ego the size of the solar system, but with absolutely no correlation to self-worth, and she knows it. Lee can relate. Maybe it's why she likes him.

Therapy human.

"We ready for blast-off then?" He asks.

"It's only a blast if I get it wrong, otherwise it's more of a _whoosh_. But yes."

"Alright, strap yourself in Watson, we're ready for whoosh-off!" Lee yells into the corridor, and can hear a loud and exuberant pig noise in return.

The Doctor takes his hand and puts it on top of a lever.

"Ready?"

"Ready."

"Oink!"

_Whoosh_

  


* * *

  



End file.
